Kelly Pearce (March 2009)
Rating:
- 3/4 of 5
“Female on the Beach” is tawdry, sleazy, and hilarious. In this outing, Crawford was entering the sunset of her career. She was still stunningly beautiful, but this is where the “hard-faced Joan” becomes difficult to miss. Joan’s performance in “Female on the Beach” is gaudy, bitchy, and unforgettable.
Crawford plays “Lynn Markham,” an ex “specialty dancer” who, recently widowed, inherits her dead gambler husband’s fortune, and a beach-front property in Balboa, California. The house Lynn moves into isn’t without its ghosts, though. The night before Lynn is to take possession of the property, the previous tenant, drunk and distraught over the end of her relationship to gigolo boyfriend, Drummy (played by Jeff Chandler), accidentally takes a terminal dive off of the balcony. Understandably, the property manager / estate agent (played by Jan Sterling) neglects to mention it to Lynn (even though there are police wandering around and there is a noticeable section of railing missing from the balcony). Adding to the sordidness, Lynn’s new neighbors, Queenie and Osbert Sorenson (played by Natalie Schafer and Cecil Kellaway) are oily grifters that are, for all intents and purposes, pimping Drummy.
Lynn’s new abode is a hive of activity. People are always dropping in unexpectedly. Drummy just comes and goes whenever he feels like it; the police pop in and out of the house unannounced. Lynn objects to the constant stream of people, but her pleas to be “left alone” fall on deaf ears. Drummy gloms on to her, and pursues her with all the subtly of a leather queen in a gay parade. Lynn plays hard to get, but we all know that she’s secretly hot for him. Interestingly, her character understands and accepts that Drummy is a gigolo. She knows that he will cost her money, and that in reality, he wouldn’t give her a second look if she wasn’t rich. Lynn, however, has her hunk goggles on, and only sees a hustler with a hard body and a heart of gold. To be sure, this is potent material for 1950’s America. At that time, a man with a gold digging woman on his arm was de rigueur – but a woman with a gold digging man?! That was, and is still, a rarity. In many ways, Crawford was ahead of the curve.
As the story progresses, Lynn discovers Eloise Crandall’s diary (the previous tenant of the beach house, the one who took the dive off of her balcony). Lynn reads Eloise’s account of how Queenie and Osbert (aided by Drummy) fleeced her out of her money. Incensed by what she reads, Lynn negatively intensifies her tone toward all. The stage is now set for some of the most memorable one-liners in movie history, and Crawford delivers the goods with perfect pronunciation: “I’d like to ask you to stay and have a drink, but I’m afraid you might accept.” Lynn responds to this question: “Would you like us to leave?” She says, “As far as you’d like, another continent, preferably.” Lynn talks about Eloise’s impression of Drummy: “Her lover had the instincts of a stallion and the pride of an alley cat.” She continues, “You were made for your profession – all very nicely put together – nice to look at, nice to touch; the great god of the senses, sparkling on the beach. Until you realize that sewers empty into the ocean. I wouldn’t have you if you were hung with diamonds, upside down!”
Drummy, annoyed by Lynn’s verbal attack, decides to prove that she has him all wrong, so (of course) he decides to take her by force (yes, she slaps him, and fights, but she submits, because that rough stuff is a turn on, right?). Following their romp in the sand, Drummy (bastard that he is) doesn’t call. Pining for her man, Lynn turns to the bottle and there ensues a hilarious scene with her stumbling through the house. The ending of the movie is improbable, but neat and entertaining.
“Female on the Beach” is a vehicle that highlights Crawford’s willingness to participate in a mockery of her established film personae, her talent for high (and I mean high) melodrama, and (in this instance) her comedic ability – whether it was intended it or not, she’s hilarious in “Female on the Beach.” What some might not appreciate, though, is that it takes an extremely talented actor to make the most unlikely characters seem real – Crawford’s “Lynn Markham” was real.
(“Female on the Beach” has been posted on You Tube. I snagged a reasonably good copy from Yammering Magpie Cinema.)
Richie Williamson (June 2007)
Rating:
of 5
In this movie, Joan Crawford has finally transformed into the gay man that she would eventually master in Johnny Guitar. Here we see her in every gay man's fantasy of the irresistibly available hunk at the beach: Her silly attempts at playing hard to get, get her got and that scene on the boat where she serves drinks and other one-liners -- we know what "going below deck" really means here. Her paranoia over the diary in the fireplace adds reams to the suspense and we culminate in a dramatic climax (and I use that term loosely) where the hunk and the she-male live happily ever after.
I give it a 5 Star rating in the High Camp Genre -- you have to see it to believe it!
